Sunshine (an excerpt from my diary dated june 23, 2009)
I woke up at six o clock this morning with a horrible trouble on my stomach complaining for a call of nature. Easing out to success, I went back to sleep as if its an evening of good nights and sweet dreams. I closed my eyes with Harold still on the last trick on my mind.
I was a desolate facet of the Earth that moment.
Yet before I fell to a deep slumber, my mother quietly went inside my room and gently wrapped me with my blanket as I seemed to be flinching on my bed.
I don’t know how to explain that minute but I felt a different kind of love; a love far more reasonable o be happy and grateful about. It all splashed to me that suddenly I though that God just saw my sadness and He just touched me through Mamang reminding me His promise of comfort and love. Mysterious as it was, I just smiled.
So as I finally woke up to break out, I breathe with God’s word which I browse from my daily bread; ever praising for His magnificent touch.
I head on to school praying and hoping I could finally get out of my heaviness that had seemed to overshadow the easy and wacky side of me. The past four months of my cold nights indeed launched me to the night sky, stared the moon and stars, and silently cried.
Though I tried to make everything so light about me by bringing myself to the salon, trying and learning to cook with Mang and Pang, talking with our neighbor next gate, joshing with my three and four year old nieces over nursery rhymes on youtube; eating cheese cakes with my kalokohan colleagues : Gayle, Diane, Kentoi, Ronnie and Zhi, sweetening myself with cookies and chocolate cake when I get home, there still comes a moment when the moment is so hard to breath.
Indeed that no matter how I try to set back I still caught mysef idle and sad. I still look for this one person that could tap me to a moment of joy and it is just so hard that he is the same person why I am sad.
Its too hard but I know that I must go through this so that I cold absorb all the lessons that I need to realize before I consider myself that I have grown up. Yes, I could name thousand of reasons why I’m standing at this desert right now so as I cold name thousands of ways how to get out of this place. But as the adage goes, things are easier said than done. Things are still hard to carry along. I’m a the middle of desolation and my soul is very dry like I’m totally at lost.
Realizing where I am standing at the moment, I fell on my knee as I found myself so bad. I missed out the daily little things around me that draw a smile on my face before. I missed out the chances to be in the ecstasy of being weightless and nothing. I missed out all these things because I was busy thinking and grieving about my past mistakes and aches.
But this morning I knew I have to stop poring over my pain. I knew that one day or another would just wake up and realize that I have to move on and I have to work about it. Someone will not do it for me. I knew that one day I will finally grasp that peace inside myself. I knew that I must not wait for that one day or another cause I could make it today. I knew who I am right now and who I wanted to become, thus, that is something I should work out now. I wanted to be less impulsive and be more decisive!
What God whispered to me this day spanked me to know the reality of me. I am a reality of both joy and pain. but I have a choice as to which I would like to be remembered.
Grasping these things took me nights and tears behind, thus I felt a real break free as God ended the day with a gentle rain; promising me a sunshine!
